Some dreams you have to let go

wooo, blogger is back to norm.
no more screwed up.

but my life is screwed up! LIKE TOTALLY. actually i didnt realise, not up till today.
*SHOUTS*
its getting on my nerve, she is, he is, they all are! everything is.
how th hell am i gonna resolve personal conflict, i cant seem to fight thru my very own stage. how am i gonna face th world then?
my period is coming, this contributed to more emotions. DOWN DOWN DOWN ND MORE OF IT.
cept for yest night, celebration of cous's BDAE, it was cool, superb. but i left early, was too tired to carry on plus i hav test this morning. so i meant a good girl =)

sigh~ what th f happened to me? i wish to be happy jst like any of you out thre, but why isnt god fulfilling my lil wish? from then till today, im still stuck right here. at th spot of brking hearts. GAWD! arrgh, thnx for everything.

whre has tht cheerful one everyone calls her th happy-go-lucky dude gone to?
th one whom everyone drop a testi to say, "HEY! YOU LIL CHEERFUL THANG!"
th one who is nt able t ans qns ppl pop like, "wei, you dont seem t hav troubles do you?"
tht dude who passes everyone with a smile.
nd adds on everyone's bright day into a even brighter one.

these are what you call, THE PAST. 2years back i was, 2years later i failed as one.

managed to crawl outta bed to have my test done this morning. nd then, couldnt make it, was soo tired. i travelled all th way to boyf's place aft finishing th test. hoping to see his smile upon seeing me. but... well. its always not a good thing to hope.
nth much happened.
whacked, cried, kicked up a huge fuss, nd settled not with a kiss.
lunched - hom-ed - nap - TV-ed - dinner - nd homesweethome.

i thot tmr will be a better day bcuz bby told me he is staying over my place this friday which means tmr last week. nd guess what? he just told me he dont rmrb saying this, nd he dont plan to stayover tmr night.
i can only say i clearly rmrbed every single convo we had, including THIS PARTICULAR ONE. moreover im nt smart enuff to come up with such *promised* story. i wont be so dumb, i cld hav jst told u str8 i wanna u stay tmr, i dont hav to tell you we had it planned nd then to hear disappointment.
fcuk this, im ignoring everything.
live my life in denial then, anyway evrything is not true.
so whats with reality? JUST A FCUK-ED LIE?

KAREN! fcuking wake up your silly/foolish/dumb/nonsensical ideas lar cb.
NO ONE IS GONNA APPRECIATE YOU, YOUR PLANS, TH WHO YOU ARE, YOUR KIND CONCERNS, SO GIRL, FCUK OFF.
yeah, fcuking myself off.
i deserved to be slapped awake, i haven got my lesson have i? or too many times i got too numb to it nd it became one of my BAD HABITS? to swallow all unfairness nd look forward to another fcuking lie.
i admit, it became one of my bad habits, to tolerate nd look forward to another tolerance challenge.
TRY ME AGAIN, its no longer gonna work.

*TO LOVE, OR TO BE LOVED?
state of confusion sets in to ruin me.